The 'ache' is real, my friends!

{Just a heads up....this post is long! It's filled with thoughts that have been on my mind for months now, so forgive my rambling.}

A few months back, I was standing in the play room, using the folding table to sort through clothes for a consignment sale.  Cleaning out the outgrown clothes always pulls at my heartstrings a bit because it means the kids are growing up, but this was different.  I suddenly had a stack of maternity clothes.  And I burst into tears.  Of course, Jarrod looked at me like I'm a crazy person, and I just couldn't put into words how I was feeling...so I let another blogger do it for me.  I grabbed the iPad and pulled this post up, and asked him to read it.  {Be warned, you will very likely need tissues....here I am reading it for probably the fourteenth time and I'm a puddle of tears once again.}

http://sarahbessey.com/learning-live-ache/

Here are a few of the parts that really touched me when I first read that post...

'I was unprepared for how completely transformative I found motherhood, how I loved even the mundane dailyness, how I found joy here.'

'It’s likely that I won’t ever be pregnant again, that I won’t carry a baby within me again, that I won’t ever give birth again. (Yes, I’m one of those awful women who loves pregnancy and giving birth.) When I think about not breastfeeding – one of the most real things I’ve ever done with this body – ever again, I catch my breath with longing.'

The Ache, right underneath my lungs, in the pit of my gut, the ache of what that means and the grief of moving on, of love, of knowing: No more babies. No more nursing quietly in the night. No more flour sack of milk-drunk baby bliss. No more gummy smiles. No more tiny diapers. No more baby clothes. No more crib. No more baby wearing. No more new baby smell. No more of the millions of moments that knit your heart so completely to another small soul.

But the Ache changes and grows as we move through our years, I imagine, perhaps in proportion to the life we live, the love we gather and give.

Our lives are changing.  At first it was the big milestones.... Riley decided she no longer would sleep in the crib, so a big girl bed was bought.  Riley insisted on wearing panties, so potty training began {and took a LONG six months...}  But lately, it's the little things that have been on my mind.  She's drinking her milk out of a regular cup.  She and Gavin shared a bed in the hotel earlier this month, not needing to sleep next to me.  I am able to take advantage of my Mother's Day gift of lunch and a spa appointment, keeping in the front of my mind the memories of being gone for just a couple short hours and how she screamed and cried, needing me to nurse her.  And I realize these focus mostly on Riley, because she is the 'baby' in the family, but do I have to mention the fact that Gavin is about to graduate from kindergarten, no longer needs me to walk him in to school so he feels more comfortable, and is doing chores around the house like sorting laundry and emptying the dishwasher?  I mean, seriously...how did we get here so fast???

Don't get me wrong...they're both still so little, and needy.  I still stand next to Gavin's bed at night and rub his back for him at his request.  We still need to help him brush his teeth or we'll be paying to have cavities filled left and right.  I still had to unbuckle my seatbelt and climb into the back seventeen times on the three hour drive to Kansas City because Riley had sneezed all over herself, was spilling her water bottle, or had dropped the book she was reading down the side of her car seat.  You know when she's not feeling well because she is constantly asking to be held and rocked.  {And I will rock her any time she asks!}

Any time I catch myself saying something about how I can't believe we don't have any babies in the house anymore, Jarrod always chimes in that we could always have another.  But that opens up a whole new can of worms.  Having an odd number where one child will always be 'left out' bothers me, a lot.  So, we'd need to have two more kids to balance that out....Jarrod says no way.  Of course, we have to factor in that kids are expensive, and we don't want to give up me staying home with the kids, so money always goes through my mind.  I think about things that we're able to do now that Riley's getting bigger and think how different things would be if we added another baby to the mix.  And I love this stage that we're in.  I love that we can have family dates to the movies, we can think about planning trips {like to Disney!}, and we can think about actually having a date night every now and then {not that we have...but it is a possibility!  High maintenance Riley didn't make that a possibility for a couple years.}

I think about our little family, and it feels perfect.  It feels complete and wonderful.  But there's still something inside me that has a hard time selling that swing and pack 'n play that is still in the attic!  Reading this blog post about 'the ache' made me realize that these tears I cry when I think about not having another baby aren't necessarily because I want another baby, they're just because that chapter of my life is closing, and it was such an amazing chapter.  I always wanted to be a mom, but I never ever realized how much it would effect me.  I never knew how seeing the world through your own child's eyes would change the way you view everything.  I never wanted to breastfeed, and I spent 28 months nursing a baby.  I grew up knowing in my heart I wanted a teaching career, and I walked away from that career for my babies with no regrets.  Motherhood changed my life dramatically, and I'm so thankful for that.

I've learned to never say never.  I'm sure my parents said they'd never have more kids after Megan, and 12 years later that changed.  I said I'd never move away from Ohio.  We all know how that turned out.  So I won't say we'll never have another baby.  But I'm pretty confident that the Pate family will always be a perfect family of four....and I'm so looking forward to all the memories we'll make as we go through new stages of life together, even if I am still living with the ache.

Mother's Day 2014

You know I'm all about traditions, so of course I'd have a picture with my kiddos in front of the fireplace for Mother's Day, right???

The silly faces picture isn't a tradition, but considering it's all the kids want to do when I try to take their picture now, it may become one!  Riley is obsessed with sticking her tongue out for any picture I take of her these days.

I feel so so lucky to be their mama.  I'm sure most moms feel the same way - I just truly never could've imagined how being a mom would change me.  I'm so thankful for them and for the opportunity to spend my days with such amazing little people.

For Mother's Day, we went and bought flowers, and as we seem to always do, planted them.  My mom and dad always taught me that you had to wait until Mother's Day to plant flowers to avoid the risk of a frost, so I tend to spend Mother's Day planting!  We headed to one of my favorite restaurants for dinner, Mama Fu's, partly because I love it and partly because moms eat free for Mother's Day. ;)  A stop for ice cream completed the celebration and we headed home to watch our favorite Sunday show, America's Funniest Videos.

Jarrod did good for Mother's Day.  He knows I would be thrilled with homemade gifts from the kids but he isn't one to actually implement that and always buys me something.  This time, he gave me a certificate for lunch and a massage.  The best part - he coordinated it with Amy's husband so we get to go together.  It wasn't long ago that leaving for an afternoon was unheard of because of my mini-me being literally attached to me....just getting my haircut was a rare treat just a couple years ago.  As much as I love massages, I think I'm most excited about just sitting down for lunch and being able to enjoy uninterrupted conversation!  Haha.

Happy {late} Mother's Day to my own mom.  You mean so much to me and we all love you.  Thanks for being a great role model and a fantastic Mimi to my goofballs.

Road Trip!!

We've been in Arkansas for over four years now, and I'm pretty sure we've had four trips to Kansas City planned.  And then canceled.  But we FINALLY made it work!  It was a very short trip, but it was fun-filled with tons of memories made.  Not only did I get to cross off the 'Kansas City trip' from my 14 things to do this year, but I also go to cross off 'surprise the kids with a trip.'  They had no idea we were going, which was pretty cool since I packed for all four of us and got the van ready on Thursday while Gavin was home from school.  They woke up Friday morning and we told them that instead of family movie night, we were going to have 'family movie morning' in the van - which is a big deal since they're only allowed to watch the dvd player in the van on long drives.

We drove straight to the zoo (with a McDonald's breakfast pitstop) and the kids were amazing.  Five and a half hours of walking around the zoo with no stroller! 

Gavin was completely obsessed with reading the map and letting us know which was to go next and what animals we were getting close to.

One of my favorite things at the zoo was the ski lift.  I've never seen such a thing before at a zoo, but we got to ride across the African habitats and see the zebras, giraffes, lions, etc. from above.  It was pretty awesome!

We also saw a really fun sea lion show.  I think all the animals that involve water are are always my favorite.  We loved watching the penguins dive in (and push each other in) and seeing the polar bear do back flips right on the other side of the glass.

The kids really liked the swinging bridge.  The sign said that it has a natural 'sway' and to just walk naturally - yeah....it swung back and forth like crazy!  Jarrod had to hold Riley's hands so she wouldn't fall down.  Haha! 

After the zoo, we headed to our hotel to check in and took their free shuttle to Country Club Plaza to walk around.  The front desk recommended a restaurant for dinner, which was really good.  Gavin started to feel nauseous while we were there, so we hurried up and just headed back to the hotel.  I think he was just tired and hot though...  After resting and drinking some ginger ale, we headed down to swim for twenty minutes or so.  Riley was just a little fish, showing off her swimming lesson tricks for Daddy and Gavin.  When they were 'shaking like a leaf' (Riley's words...) we headed back upstairs to get ready for bed while Jarrod grabbed us another free drink from the bar.  Gotta love Embassy Suites! 

Then, another milestone occurred.  Gavin and Riley went to sleep on the pull out sofa, and for the first time since becoming parents, Jarrod and I shared the bed in a hotel.  He wasn't in one bed with Gavin while I was in the other with Riley.  The kids slept in one bed.  Do you realize what that means???  Yet another way I know our family is transitioning out of the baby phase.  And yet another silly thing to make me cry...  Why do they have to grow up so fast?!?!

The next morning, we packed up, headed down for the free breakfast (another Embassy Suites perk) and headed out to explore Union Station.  There was a neat train display with an area for the kids to play.  Riley loved the miniature carousel - which is funny because when she begged to ride the real carousel the day before at the zoo, she ended up clinging to me, pinching my arm from gripping so tightly, while crying 'I want to get off!' the whole time.

We visited one of the hotels that is connected to Union Station and checked out new things we can do on our next trip.  There is SO much to do there!

On the skywalk, I asked the kids to turn around a 'strike a pose' (aka my attempt to get them to freeze for a picture!) and this is what I got...

Goofballs!

After a struggle in a public restroom with Riley that resulted in her having a timeout right there (gosh, that was fun!) we headed back to Union Station and took the kids to a planetarium show and then to Science City.  They LOVED it and it got me really excited about the children's museum that is coming to Bentonville next year.  I can't wait!

 

We left the museum and headed to lunch - blah!  Jarrod loved it, I hated it.  While there, Riley started having another meltdown and sweet as can be said, "I just want to take a nap!"  She was exhausted from the trip.  She actually laid down in the booth and fell asleep.  That's when we knew it was time to head back home.  We only planned to stay one night anyway, but just didn't know how long we'd hang around the city on Saturday.  We left the restaurant, Gavin joined Riley in napping within five minutes, and we made it home in time for dinner.

I love these little road trips with my family, and wish we could budget for more of them.  I definitely want to head back to Kansas City and I'd love to try out Little Rock, too.  Memories that will last a lifetime!

Someone turned SIX....

Yes, weeks ago.  But that's the way things have been going around here lately.  Ten days before Gavin's birthday we celebrated with a party at a local gymnastics place.  In the end, I know he had fun, but I can't help but feel bad.  We wanted to avoid a meal time party so we picked the only date they had available for an afternoon party, even though it wasn't my ideal date.  Soon after, we realized it was Easter weekend.  Strike one.  Then, the day I printed his invites and got them all ready for him to take to school the next day, he brought home an invite for the EXACT same day/time from another classmate and she had invited the whole class.  Strike two.  So, only three friends his age plus our favorite friend, Harper, were at the party.  But, we made the best of it and had a great time!

 

Now, imagine a dark gym with kids that won't stop moving.  Recipe for disaster when you think about photographs.  So...ignore the quality and just enjoy the memories we captured. 

 

Of course we had delicious cupcakes from Mara...Pokemon themed, since that's our newest obsession.  I thought we'd have a ton leftover since we had a lot of 'no' rsvps....we didn't.  Ha!

This handsome kid makes me so happy!

 
Gavin's birthday celebration was just beginning.  Our trip to Mexico was the weekend before his birthday, so he got to celebrate with Mimi, Rosi, and Sandy while they were here.  Plus, he received gifts in the mail, had the chance to take cupcakes to school (thanks to a snow make-up day...he wasn't even supposed to have school on his birthday!), had lunch at McDonald's with Riley and me, got presents the day of from Mommy and Daddy, and we had Chickfila and Yum Yos the weekend after, his pick.  Lucky kid!

Happy birthday, Gavin Jack.  You have no idea how much you mean to us.  Mommy and Daddy love you to the moon and back (and back around again!)  We will ALWAYS be here for you, no matter how old you get!

Cancun Getaway!

As soon as I saw the pictures of the resort that Tastefully Simple chose for this past year's Silver Leaf Incentive trip, I knew I had to get us there.  I set my goal and worked my butt off.  I had some help from a lot of people and made it a possibility, and after months of dreaming, we finally made our way to Mexico last month.

Leading up the trip, I spent a lot of time preparing for leaving the kids.  We've never left them...we rarely get a babysitter, let alone needing to leave them overnight!  I had a very detailed, six-page note ready for my mom and Rosi, and was certain that saying our goodbyes would be difficult.  I'm kind of sad to admit that there were no tears from anyone.  Gavin seemed a little nervous the morning of, but it was honestly more because he afraid of getting in trouble for taking his new Pokemon binder in to school than it was because we were leaving.  Ha!

Jarrod and I immediately took advantage of the 'adult' time by actually getting to read and sleep on the plane.  Yes, you read that right....I got to READ a magazine and actually close my eyes!  It was amazing! 

The service we got from the first minute we arrived in Mexico was amazing.  We'd never been on an all-inclusive trip, let alone an incentive trip that Tastefully Simple went above and beyond on.  Every single thing was taken care of for us!  We learned quickly that vacationing by ourselves meant that we took a lot of selfies.  Had the kids been there, the pictures would have been all about them....instead, we got a lot of scenery shots and selfies.  I used my phone more than the camera, to be honest!

We spent a lot of time just laying by the pool.  There wasn't a lot of 'doing stuff' on this trip.  Our mornings including early walks around the resort (because even without kids, we can't sleep in) which was HUGE.  Seriously, so much bigger than we ever imagined.  We would then end up at the pool, having drinks while getting some sun and meeting new Tastefully Simple friends.  It was pretty cool to see so many consultants in the same place, especially all the faces I recognized from reading the Gazette for the last five years.

 The best part of the trip was obviously the opportunity to just reconnect and spend all my time with Jarrod.  We were together pretty much every minute of the trip.  It really was just like a second honeymoon for us.  So amazing to have this chance to be husband and wife first, not mom and dad.  We need to do this again!

  

The resort was gorgeous!  We weren't blown away by the beach at this resort, but we've heard their sister resort, Beach Palace, has a gorgeous beach and when we go back, we will definitely take advantage of the shuttle and spend a day there.  I wasn't able to enjoy the saltwater of the ocean because of a minor health issue, so we stayed poolside.  Notice the swim up bar, the lounge chairs IN the water, and the swings at the bar!

 More selfies...plus one awful picture that someone took for us.  She obviously wasn't a photographer.

  Mai Tais, watermelon margaritas, and lots of Mexican beer were consumed!  I may or may not have had three margaritas before lunch on Saturday and needed to take a nap by 1:00. Ha!

The only thing we really had to spend any money on (well, besides the two pairs of sunglasses I bought...I forgot mine in Arkansas, so I bought one pair at the Cancun airport, ended up not liking them, and bought a second pair at the hotel) was a splurge couples massage.  Not exactly the greatest massage I've ever had, but any massage is good to me! :)  All the food and drinks were included and were absolutely amazing.  Los Tacos was our favorite place we ate at, but we also had some great sushi, the fresh orange juice was delicious, and the Brazilian steakhouse was so crazy good!

Oh, Moon Palace...how we fell in love with you, and with one another all over again.  I'm so thankful for Tastefully Simple for giving us this opportunity.  I know we will definitely visit Cancun again, and we'll be sure to bring the kids along with us.  Until next time, cheers!